Been A While...

Drugs can make any person forget their mistakes and pain, put them in a world where life is great and full of fun events. At least that's what they do for me. I NEVER use to use drugs, ever. I was as clean as a whistle, but now my life crumbles slowly all around me. My parents hate each other and end up ignoring their children while wrapped up in their own issues, my boyfriend of almost a year leaves me less than a month before our anniversary and claims he still loves/cares for me, my friends turn out to be using me. No one listens to my feelings and every move I make on the board is wrong, dirty, annoying, not right. How come I can't do the things other people get to? I want to feel good, wanted, loved, cared for. But with every passing moment, I feel as if I do not deserve it. I get to be used, hated, mistreated, underestimated, lied to, cheated on. How do people expect me to react? All my life I've wanted people to just understand. I search so hard for someone to appreciate me and love me so much. I don't know what real love is or how I should be handling it. I can't even look at another man right now. My heart doesn't exist. He has it and he'll have other women pussies, too. He'll kiss them, hold them, put his body on them and in them. I want him so bad to just myself. I've become caught up in every moment that I lose I forget how to treat what matters to me. I know this now. It's whats on my mind every waking moment. I forget that not every man just wants to use me for what I've been given and that I should put out because of what he did to me. Most people are disgusting and I am not.

In a year, I'll graduate and be leaving for college. I'm still not sure where I'm going. If I'm with someone I love here, I'll settle happily with MSU and if not, I'm going to The Art Institute of Chicago. I want to go into game design or something fun like that. I want to better myself and just forget about making people around me happy. There's no use. I always disappoint and anger everyone. I just need to be on my own, I guess. But I don't want to. I get so lonely and sad, upset, depressed. Sigh. Bed time.

Please, Stay Away

There's all these things eating at my soul, getting closer to my core (it feels) and wanting to destroy me. I worry that I'll be changing drastically again, like when my Grandma died. Ask anyone who knew me before and after, and they'll tell you I seem like a different person, with a pinch of the previous Meghan. I lost friends that way.

I'm on Christmas break right now. Life is... Alright. My boyfriend lost his job, which brought up even more trouble in both his and my life. Will he have to move back to his parents' home, two hours away from me and force me to live without him? It's so unsure. I still have the choice of going to Florida, but my love for him keeps me here, in a chilly, icy environment (more than just the weather). Sometimes I'll think about how I feel for him, lust for him, need him - And I get scared. Genuinely frightened by how my heart aches for him. Love has always been on my list of fears, falling for someone and regretting it in the end. I suppose I try to stay positive by looking up to my Grandparents' relationship, which lasted for 50+ years and they were still madly in love until the day my Grandma passed away. Although, it seems, that everyone else around me and their relationships have failed in a bad way. Thus, explaining my fear.

Christmas went smoothly. Me and my boyfriend went to my parents' house Christmas Eve, then spent the night, returning home Christmas night. I got Lance an amazing dragon bong for Christmas, ordered and shipped from Europe. I loved it and so did he. The results of him losing his job made it to where he couldn't get me anything, and I'm not upset about it. He's done so much for me while we've been together, I wouldn't mind if he never got me anything. I was just happy as ever to have him there with me and be able to spend the holidays with him. I love Lance Raymond Wilson.

I've been trying to help in every way I can with Lance's no job situation. I showed him a website to do easy applications and have been cooking him food, since he can't cook, to save money other than buying from fast food. I'm a good cook, so it works out great. It's going to suck if he has to move out, but I'm determined to figure something out and I'm working on it.

Wonderfully Crazy

Today I seen a secret of mine on Post Secret. It made me feel good inside and somehow better because I'm letting the world know. Secretly.

I've figured that most of my friends aren't actually my friends.

A teacher who adores me chose me to make the basketball roster. I'm Meghanizing it.

I made a few bad moves and made the people around me angry. Surprising? No. I'm always doing something wrong. Accidentally, of course. I never want those people angry with me. It leads to no good.

Lastly, I think I may be pregnant. Bad. Very bad. If I am, I'll be falling down a flight of stairs and letting someone take their anger out on me. Sure, I'd be a great Mother, but not yet! Please, God, not yet.

Old

I didn't sleep last night. Maybe because I slept in until 6pm yesterday or maybe because my mind was packed full of thoughts and questions. My parents told me that they'll probably be moving to Florida and it leaves me wondering what I'll do. The beaches sure sound nice, but I have someone here that I love and friends that are great. The bad thing if the job situation.I doubt that anybody is going to let me live with them for free, though they may be altered considering if I don't, I'll be forced to move far away. Guess I just have to see what happens.

In other news, there's a lot of movies coming out I want to see. I'm not a Twilight fan and I don't support the movies. I was highly disappointed when it beat out The Dark Knight. I'm sorry, Heath. You're still a great ex-actor, lawl. I was also listening to the radio earlier and the host was talking about how most of our significant others are cheating right now. Funny, right? I thought so. You never really know. Even know it's happened to me in my current relationship, I've been able to give him my trust once more. I keep my fingers crossed and pray to God that he doesn't break it again. It's crappy. And speaking of God, I just finished the book Evidence of Mercy by Terri Blackstock. Great book. It makes you question yourself and what you believe in, but that's not what the story is based around. Just the type with hidden morals. I spent a while thinking about it. I've never been a spiritual person. I guess I need to see it to believe it. Maybe when they fire up those rings and create the God particle, I'll start going to church, unless it kills us all. If there is a God, I want to meet him someday and ask why he did a few things to me that he did.

I'm a very secretive person. Especially when it comes to my feelings. If you think you have me figured out, you don't.

Persons

I can honestly say that I hate 90% of the population. Because so many are stupid, ignorant, retarded, stuck up, liars, users, cheaters, manipulators and so forth. I've never could actually stand being around one person for a long time, mind the rare two that have been in my life and I could spend forever with them and never get annoyed. I'm weird. I like to see people suffer. I've been back stabbed too many times to restart and end up there again. It's sad to see how many dirty people there are in the world. I mean, I think that I'm a genuinely nice person when I need to be, I can actually get along with anyone I need to and be chill. But I just hate people. They're usually jackasses.

Suddenly life is better.

Over the course of two years, no - the past five years, the world around me seems to have been continuously spiraling down. My Mother is angry a lot and we do not share a relationship like we use to, when I get her alone to speak, we both agree that the reason is my Step Father. He came in to my life right before I was to turn 16 and planned on shaping me into what he wanted me to be, a stereotypical woman (keep your mouth closed, clean and do whatever a man says). Me, on the other hand, hoped to be a Doctor or Lawyer someday and not let anything stand in my way. This caused war in my household and eventually made me move out at the age of 16. Also, I grew up with no Father figure in my life. Gladly enough, I had a boyfriend to live with and accepted the responsibilities of an adult. He helped me through a lot and kept me up when I was sinking into a pit of depression, along with being in school and thriving as I was accepted into a local community college. Now, most of you I know are judging on I living with my boyfriend at such a young age. But take into consideration that I'm only 17 right now and this hasn't been that long ago. I've always been mature, understanding and knowing. Top of all my classes and making parents jealous when I get all the rewards. But I'm full of common sense, too.

Unfortunately, my depression hit me and my boyfriend was unhappy, I guessed. He left me and forced me to move back in with my parents. In the process, I had to drop out of the college and the change in high schools made it to where I received two automatic Fs, affecting my GPA n a horrible way. Did you know that you have to have a 3.5 GPA to get a guaranteed spot in medical school? This leaves me with pressure from a lot of angles. My parents on my ass again, trying to strive in school for amazing grades and last but not least, I found out that my boyfriend had left me to sleep around with one of my best friends. He came back to me crying and because I love him with most of my heart, and believe in second chances, I came back to him. Sadly, I lost a best friend in the process, but after realizing how much she knew I loved and cared for him, and then doing that, I could never be around her again. Oh, I also lost my job in this whole predicament and now am desperately searching for a new one to be able to move back out and live that happy life without parents.

To explain my depression is simple. I lost my Grandmother hardly a year and a half ago, who pretty much raised me and had always been there for me. Whether I needed clothes or just someone to talk to. I can honestly say she was the nicest person to be around and get along with, she made friends where ever she went and was loving to every soul - Even bad ones. I had trouble making friends at my new school, but I only had two classes there, so it was understandable. I lost all my friends and my "cool" state when I first moved. Yes, I was the cool kid. The person everyone came to with problems, or needing help, invited to all the events and so forth. I lost my Mother. Something horrible happened when I was 11. I've been used, cheated on, abused (more mentally) and lied to. Money was becoming less.

This time around, I sit and think about all the positive things in my life. Sure, I don't have a job. Sure, my car is ready to break down, my parents are both unemployed and don't give a rat's ass, my grandpa is threatening to take things he's given me and putting money over my head, both me and my boyfriend's families are falling apart. And sure, my boyfriend has been utterly sick a few times. I forgot to mention that I saved his life this last June. Maybe it gives us a stronger connection, but I have never left his side in the Hospital unless they kicked me out. I'm overweight, but beautiful. I love the people I keep close to my hearts, the few that there are. I get high on sex, love and drugs. I love escaping with alcohol. But I enjoy being sober most of all and seeing everything with clear eyes. Sometimes my heart hurts, but I smile when I see my boyfriend, a shelter over my head, the little money we have, my cellphone, my computer, my physical and mental abilities (not challenged in any way), and being able to share myself with someone. Life is never horrible. It can be worse. Yes, you can be sad, but it's still good. Things happen that are bad, but so do good things. :)