Been A While...

Drugs can make any person forget their mistakes and pain, put them in a world where life is great and full of fun events. At least that's what they do for me. I NEVER use to use drugs, ever. I was as clean as a whistle, but now my life crumbles slowly all around me. My parents hate each other and end up ignoring their children while wrapped up in their own issues, my boyfriend of almost a year leaves me less than a month before our anniversary and claims he still loves/cares for me, my friends turn out to be using me. No one listens to my feelings and every move I make on the board is wrong, dirty, annoying, not right. How come I can't do the things other people get to? I want to feel good, wanted, loved, cared for. But with every passing moment, I feel as if I do not deserve it. I get to be used, hated, mistreated, underestimated, lied to, cheated on. How do people expect me to react? All my life I've wanted people to just understand. I search so hard for someone to appreciate me and love me so much. I don't know what real love is or how I should be handling it. I can't even look at another man right now. My heart doesn't exist. He has it and he'll have other women pussies, too. He'll kiss them, hold them, put his body on them and in them. I want him so bad to just myself. I've become caught up in every moment that I lose I forget how to treat what matters to me. I know this now. It's whats on my mind every waking moment. I forget that not every man just wants to use me for what I've been given and that I should put out because of what he did to me. Most people are disgusting and I am not.

In a year, I'll graduate and be leaving for college. I'm still not sure where I'm going. If I'm with someone I love here, I'll settle happily with MSU and if not, I'm going to The Art Institute of Chicago. I want to go into game design or something fun like that. I want to better myself and just forget about making people around me happy. There's no use. I always disappoint and anger everyone. I just need to be on my own, I guess. But I don't want to. I get so lonely and sad, upset, depressed. Sigh. Bed time.