Please, Stay Away

There's all these things eating at my soul, getting closer to my core (it feels) and wanting to destroy me. I worry that I'll be changing drastically again, like when my Grandma died. Ask anyone who knew me before and after, and they'll tell you I seem like a different person, with a pinch of the previous Meghan. I lost friends that way.

I'm on Christmas break right now. Life is... Alright. My boyfriend lost his job, which brought up even more trouble in both his and my life. Will he have to move back to his parents' home, two hours away from me and force me to live without him? It's so unsure. I still have the choice of going to Florida, but my love for him keeps me here, in a chilly, icy environment (more than just the weather). Sometimes I'll think about how I feel for him, lust for him, need him - And I get scared. Genuinely frightened by how my heart aches for him. Love has always been on my list of fears, falling for someone and regretting it in the end. I suppose I try to stay positive by looking up to my Grandparents' relationship, which lasted for 50+ years and they were still madly in love until the day my Grandma passed away. Although, it seems, that everyone else around me and their relationships have failed in a bad way. Thus, explaining my fear.

Christmas went smoothly. Me and my boyfriend went to my parents' house Christmas Eve, then spent the night, returning home Christmas night. I got Lance an amazing dragon bong for Christmas, ordered and shipped from Europe. I loved it and so did he. The results of him losing his job made it to where he couldn't get me anything, and I'm not upset about it. He's done so much for me while we've been together, I wouldn't mind if he never got me anything. I was just happy as ever to have him there with me and be able to spend the holidays with him. I love Lance Raymond Wilson.

I've been trying to help in every way I can with Lance's no job situation. I showed him a website to do easy applications and have been cooking him food, since he can't cook, to save money other than buying from fast food. I'm a good cook, so it works out great. It's going to suck if he has to move out, but I'm determined to figure something out and I'm working on it.

Wonderfully Crazy

Today I seen a secret of mine on Post Secret. It made me feel good inside and somehow better because I'm letting the world know. Secretly.

I've figured that most of my friends aren't actually my friends.

A teacher who adores me chose me to make the basketball roster. I'm Meghanizing it.

I made a few bad moves and made the people around me angry. Surprising? No. I'm always doing something wrong. Accidentally, of course. I never want those people angry with me. It leads to no good.

Lastly, I think I may be pregnant. Bad. Very bad. If I am, I'll be falling down a flight of stairs and letting someone take their anger out on me. Sure, I'd be a great Mother, but not yet! Please, God, not yet.

Old

I didn't sleep last night. Maybe because I slept in until 6pm yesterday or maybe because my mind was packed full of thoughts and questions. My parents told me that they'll probably be moving to Florida and it leaves me wondering what I'll do. The beaches sure sound nice, but I have someone here that I love and friends that are great. The bad thing if the job situation.I doubt that anybody is going to let me live with them for free, though they may be altered considering if I don't, I'll be forced to move far away. Guess I just have to see what happens.

In other news, there's a lot of movies coming out I want to see. I'm not a Twilight fan and I don't support the movies. I was highly disappointed when it beat out The Dark Knight. I'm sorry, Heath. You're still a great ex-actor, lawl. I was also listening to the radio earlier and the host was talking about how most of our significant others are cheating right now. Funny, right? I thought so. You never really know. Even know it's happened to me in my current relationship, I've been able to give him my trust once more. I keep my fingers crossed and pray to God that he doesn't break it again. It's crappy. And speaking of God, I just finished the book Evidence of Mercy by Terri Blackstock. Great book. It makes you question yourself and what you believe in, but that's not what the story is based around. Just the type with hidden morals. I spent a while thinking about it. I've never been a spiritual person. I guess I need to see it to believe it. Maybe when they fire up those rings and create the God particle, I'll start going to church, unless it kills us all. If there is a God, I want to meet him someday and ask why he did a few things to me that he did.

I'm a very secretive person. Especially when it comes to my feelings. If you think you have me figured out, you don't.