Please, Stay Away

There's all these things eating at my soul, getting closer to my core (it feels) and wanting to destroy me. I worry that I'll be changing drastically again, like when my Grandma died. Ask anyone who knew me before and after, and they'll tell you I seem like a different person, with a pinch of the previous Meghan. I lost friends that way.

I'm on Christmas break right now. Life is... Alright. My boyfriend lost his job, which brought up even more trouble in both his and my life. Will he have to move back to his parents' home, two hours away from me and force me to live without him? It's so unsure. I still have the choice of going to Florida, but my love for him keeps me here, in a chilly, icy environment (more than just the weather). Sometimes I'll think about how I feel for him, lust for him, need him - And I get scared. Genuinely frightened by how my heart aches for him. Love has always been on my list of fears, falling for someone and regretting it in the end. I suppose I try to stay positive by looking up to my Grandparents' relationship, which lasted for 50+ years and they were still madly in love until the day my Grandma passed away. Although, it seems, that everyone else around me and their relationships have failed in a bad way. Thus, explaining my fear.

Christmas went smoothly. Me and my boyfriend went to my parents' house Christmas Eve, then spent the night, returning home Christmas night. I got Lance an amazing dragon bong for Christmas, ordered and shipped from Europe. I loved it and so did he. The results of him losing his job made it to where he couldn't get me anything, and I'm not upset about it. He's done so much for me while we've been together, I wouldn't mind if he never got me anything. I was just happy as ever to have him there with me and be able to spend the holidays with him. I love Lance Raymond Wilson.

I've been trying to help in every way I can with Lance's no job situation. I showed him a website to do easy applications and have been cooking him food, since he can't cook, to save money other than buying from fast food. I'm a good cook, so it works out great. It's going to suck if he has to move out, but I'm determined to figure something out and I'm working on it.